Oh my...too long since I visited this place. Let alone write a post.
What's the use to have it then?
A blog, with it's expectations, to find a way to express oneself - 'this is my voice' - and then to fall silent again, as if in self-denial. Or was it no more than that this blog was not the right one, the right way, for me to speak? Or it could even mean I actually didn't need a place, this place, to structurally express myself?
Perhaps I have too many places to express myself - so much scattered over the web:
Writing.com
LiveJournal
gmail
DreamWidth
Deviant Art
Tumblr
Bokt
Blogger
InsaneJournal
Bleacher Report
Gedicht.nu
The Petulant Poetess
Fanfiction.net
WordPress
facebook
Twitter
India Forums
Orkut
the sites I forgot about...
Of course, some of these sites I joined to read and see works of others, but sooner or later I always got at least a whisper of a wish to contribute there too.
All these accounts, all in hopes to find the definite place to start my 'writing career' (as in the depth of me that is what I want: to be an author of some importance) and so far leading no where (though my writing.com account has a 'portfolio' with a certain substance)...should I give up or should I finally make an effort to start?
'Every Wall is a Door'. Or would it be more fitting to twist it to 'Every Door is a
Wall'?
If ever I made a post deserving of cross-posting it must be this one.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Dream or dread
There she sat. Like every other day.
Talented, oh yes. And with a view, that too.
And with some history, unlike many others.
Fuel enough, one would say.
There she sat. Yet another day.
With her overflowing head: very busy at nothing.
And so she was tired, as nothing kept her very busy.
Fuel enough?
There she sat. Dreaming through the day.
Blending her assets into a magnificent novel?
Or blending them into true helpfulness?
Fuel enough, after all!
There she sat. And passed the day.
Dreading her own indifference,
of life going by, without her even trying.
Fuelling nothing but a grotesque frame.
(pathetic attempt at self-chastisement; as if it would change any thing)
Talented, oh yes. And with a view, that too.
And with some history, unlike many others.
Fuel enough, one would say.
There she sat. Yet another day.
With her overflowing head: very busy at nothing.
And so she was tired, as nothing kept her very busy.
Fuel enough?
There she sat. Dreaming through the day.
Blending her assets into a magnificent novel?
Or blending them into true helpfulness?
Fuel enough, after all!
There she sat. And passed the day.
Dreading her own indifference,
of life going by, without her even trying.
Fuelling nothing but a grotesque frame.
(pathetic attempt at self-chastisement; as if it would change any thing)
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
From the gutter of my feelings...
Feeling sad, sad ,sad. Depression hitting hard.
Silence deafening me and an increasing load wants to impress me unto the soil it seems.
Man what is this and why?
I'm feeling myself so dirty, but the option of taking shower feels like a torture.
Thousand things to do, thousand things that I WANT to do, perhaps it's all too much on my own?
Please let me hide in my bed and sleep the time away end read some pleasant things in case I might wake up for some moments.
Please grant me loneliness, to get healed by the absence of distraction.
Please grant me company to know that I'm alive and celebrate our breathing and eyes and legs.
Please, please, please, this feeling ain't much fun and my days seem like utter failure.
Or do you think I could go for shopping and mingle with the people, while being a creep from the gutter?
Feeling sad, sad ,sad. Depression hitting hard.
Silence deafening me and an increasing load wants to impress me unto the soil it seems.
Man what is this and why?
I'm feeling myself so dirty, but the option of taking shower feels like a torture.
Thousand things to do, thousand things that I WANT to do, perhaps it's all too much on my own?
Please let me hide in my bed and sleep the time away end read some pleasant things in case I might wake up for some moments.
Please grant me loneliness, to get healed by the absence of distraction.
Please grant me company to know that I'm alive and celebrate our breathing and eyes and legs.
Please, please, please, this feeling ain't much fun and my days seem like utter failure.
Or do you think I could go for shopping and mingle with the people, while being a creep from the gutter?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Wanna eat!
Copied from the Cambridge Diet forum. As it's good to have this "summary of my eating-history" also for myself
Sigh. Such a long way to go. A year perhaps? And I'm missing food so much...
When I started, I promised myself that once or twice every week I would be allowed to share an evening meal with my family. I needed that, just to get the courage to go ahead.
But after one meal I understood that it doesn't work at all: it's so hard to get back to dieting afterwards and of course it interrupts the ketosis.
So gradually it's sinking in that i must really settle for Cambridge Diet only and at this moment that makes me feel a bit sad and depressed.
After all, I'm a food-addict since I was about 4 years old and food was the thing that kept me going, even when I was very depressive for many years, in the past.
I used to be bulimic in my teens, till mid-twenties. Gradually bulimia converted to binge-eating. Happily I also grew away from the binge and since about 5 years, I "just eat too much and too often"
My weight is so high (179 kilo's/28 stones) that going outside tires me too much. I can only walk a couple of minutes. Shopping is very hard, so my teenagers do the "small" shopping. I only go once a week for the bulk. So most of the time I'm at home and eating breaks the days and keeps me happy.
And now I have to learn to have great days without food. But I guess you all would have similar struggles, so i'm sorry for my lament
I'm actually very curious if some of you also used to suffer from bulimia or binge-eating-disorder? Did you also grow out of it? Or did you get therapy or so?
Once again, sorry for my long post...I guess I should start a diary
Sigh. Such a long way to go. A year perhaps? And I'm missing food so much...
When I started, I promised myself that once or twice every week I would be allowed to share an evening meal with my family. I needed that, just to get the courage to go ahead.
But after one meal I understood that it doesn't work at all: it's so hard to get back to dieting afterwards and of course it interrupts the ketosis.
So gradually it's sinking in that i must really settle for Cambridge Diet only and at this moment that makes me feel a bit sad and depressed.
After all, I'm a food-addict since I was about 4 years old and food was the thing that kept me going, even when I was very depressive for many years, in the past.
I used to be bulimic in my teens, till mid-twenties. Gradually bulimia converted to binge-eating. Happily I also grew away from the binge and since about 5 years, I "just eat too much and too often"
My weight is so high (179 kilo's/28 stones) that going outside tires me too much. I can only walk a couple of minutes. Shopping is very hard, so my teenagers do the "small" shopping. I only go once a week for the bulk. So most of the time I'm at home and eating breaks the days and keeps me happy.
And now I have to learn to have great days without food. But I guess you all would have similar struggles, so i'm sorry for my lament
I'm actually very curious if some of you also used to suffer from bulimia or binge-eating-disorder? Did you also grow out of it? Or did you get therapy or so?
Once again, sorry for my long post...I guess I should start a diary
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Without
Last Sunday morning I woke up and decided there and then that I will start Cambridge diet that very day. No preparations, no copious farewell meal of favourite foods. Just start.
And so it happened and, oh surprise, till today I am true to it. The fifth day.
Yesterday I had lost over five kilo's already, but sadly the scale's battery has given up the ghost, so no way to motivate myself by weighing today.
I think I can allow myself a bit of measured pride, though it is very early days, of course.
But now the other side of it.
Am writing so nice and civilised, not? But oooohhh, I am so frustrated, angry, depressed today. Grinding my teeth. Arms burning with the wish to lash out at something.
Handling the foods for family and not able to take even one bite of it. Can kill the world right now!
So, the counter-attack of my food-addiction has started.
Don't ask about my mood! Don't be nice with me! Don't touch me! DO NOT BOTHER ME!
Man, I just wish to growl and snarl and curse each and everyone!
Or do I actually need to weep?
My friend, my dear friend, who appeased me through the days, has left me.
The oldest mate of my life. Wasn't I three years or so, when we met?
Got to stand on my own feet now. And ought not mourn a friend, who wrapped me in mountainous layers of impossibility.
Last Sunday morning I woke up and decided there and then that I will start Cambridge diet that very day. No preparations, no copious farewell meal of favourite foods. Just start.
And so it happened and, oh surprise, till today I am true to it. The fifth day.
Yesterday I had lost over five kilo's already, but sadly the scale's battery has given up the ghost, so no way to motivate myself by weighing today.
I think I can allow myself a bit of measured pride, though it is very early days, of course.
But now the other side of it.
Am writing so nice and civilised, not? But oooohhh, I am so frustrated, angry, depressed today. Grinding my teeth. Arms burning with the wish to lash out at something.
Handling the foods for family and not able to take even one bite of it. Can kill the world right now!
So, the counter-attack of my food-addiction has started.
Don't ask about my mood! Don't be nice with me! Don't touch me! DO NOT BOTHER ME!
Man, I just wish to growl and snarl and curse each and everyone!
Or do I actually need to weep?
My friend, my dear friend, who appeased me through the days, has left me.
The oldest mate of my life. Wasn't I three years or so, when we met?
Got to stand on my own feet now. And ought not mourn a friend, who wrapped me in mountainous layers of impossibility.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Wish a poem?
why would I wish to write a poem?
Strongly wish to write a poem!
For poem's sake? "I have written a poem". Sounds interesting! Not?
Or to get a bit of attention and "praise' on WDC? (For what it's worth)
It's hard to define, but I just love it: to write a poem. To fight with myself, to shape it, to omit, to make fluent. It's like a puzzle, yes, but really so much more than that. It's inspiring, it's challenging, it's feeling "essential" - to find the essence of my thoughts, feelings, myself even.
Oh God (Astaghfirullah), how childish, this writing. As much "blah", or rather: much more "blah" than my previous entry!
BUT!!! I JUST WISH TO WRITE A POEM!!!
Circumstances not allowing though: no peace of mind and time!
Strongly wish to write a poem!
For poem's sake? "I have written a poem". Sounds interesting! Not?
Or to get a bit of attention and "praise' on WDC? (For what it's worth)
It's hard to define, but I just love it: to write a poem. To fight with myself, to shape it, to omit, to make fluent. It's like a puzzle, yes, but really so much more than that. It's inspiring, it's challenging, it's feeling "essential" - to find the essence of my thoughts, feelings, myself even.
Oh God (Astaghfirullah), how childish, this writing. As much "blah", or rather: much more "blah" than my previous entry!
BUT!!! I JUST WISH TO WRITE A POEM!!!
Circumstances not allowing though: no peace of mind and time!
Blah, blah.
Blah, blah, because I just want to write, the journal type thing.
Blah, blah also, cause it is pretty "yuck" that tomorrow I have an intestinal check-up, so i'm not allowed to eat anything today (except a light breakfast) and tomorrow, till it's done (apptmnt at 10.30), had to take a laxative, which happily didn't create havock (as they suggested).
Such a check-up: so embarassing basically, especially with my "elegant" shape; but such thoughts simply have to be brushed aside. After all, it's the profession of the doc, many people had/have to face the same embarrassment and it's highly necessary (that alone is enough to forget about feelings of shame and unease).
After dr Perry said, that they're expecting that something like Crohn's disease has caused the hole between my bowel and bladder, slowly the feeling grew that it may be true afterall. Am I not having all types of mostly mild but confusing symptoms since at least fifteen years? Plus that even when I was small, I would soon have diarrhoea. I thought I had irritatable bowel after the salmonella attack of years ago, but it may be very well somethinhg more serious, damaging the stuff progressively over the years, till a hole occurred.
Well, we'll see, i hope they'll tell soon!
hmm, am a bit hungry now. Good that i'm "trained", thanks to Ramadan! Nina is cooking, dal, smells nice. I think I should take a cup of tea or some stock, it'll help, Inshallah.
Blah, blah also, cause it is pretty "yuck" that tomorrow I have an intestinal check-up, so i'm not allowed to eat anything today (except a light breakfast) and tomorrow, till it's done (apptmnt at 10.30), had to take a laxative, which happily didn't create havock (as they suggested).
Such a check-up: so embarassing basically, especially with my "elegant" shape; but such thoughts simply have to be brushed aside. After all, it's the profession of the doc, many people had/have to face the same embarrassment and it's highly necessary (that alone is enough to forget about feelings of shame and unease).
After dr Perry said, that they're expecting that something like Crohn's disease has caused the hole between my bowel and bladder, slowly the feeling grew that it may be true afterall. Am I not having all types of mostly mild but confusing symptoms since at least fifteen years? Plus that even when I was small, I would soon have diarrhoea. I thought I had irritatable bowel after the salmonella attack of years ago, but it may be very well somethinhg more serious, damaging the stuff progressively over the years, till a hole occurred.
Well, we'll see, i hope they'll tell soon!
hmm, am a bit hungry now. Good that i'm "trained", thanks to Ramadan! Nina is cooking, dal, smells nice. I think I should take a cup of tea or some stock, it'll help, Inshallah.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)