Running with my head against the wall.

Nearly fifty and still feeling like a teenager with the whole future ahaead of her: my time will come. Yeah, GET REAL.

OK, there I am, with my generally sweet and optimistic temper, perfectly able to pass days in perfect emptiness. Zapping through the hours, a bit of householding, a larger bit of hanging behind the pc, bit of TV, bit of chatting with the children and always focussing on what next to eat, to keep it all bearable.
Wasn't I a strong girl? Wasn't I very active, some twenty years ago?
I have no answers.
All I know is that I still may have many options, IF AND WHEN, I start to act NOW.
Every day I will continue in emptiness, will eat more away of the little time I may have left, will eat more away from my health and the wellbeing of my whole family.

Sometimes I just wish to kick and beat myself till bleeding, hoping that it will help to shake me up.
Yeah. Again.
Am far too lazy and too self-indulgent to change anything ever.
Truth.