Modern Life

Oh my...too long since I visited this place. Let alone write a post. 

 What's the use to have it then? 

 A blog, with it's expectations, to find a way to express oneself - 'this is my voice' - and then to fall silent again, as if in self-denial. Or was it no more than that this blog was not the right one, the right way, for me to speak? Or it could even mean I actually didn't need a place, this place, to structurally express myself? 

Perhaps I have too many places to express myself - so much scattered over the web: 
Writing.com 
LiveJournal 
gmail 
DreamWidth 
Deviant Art 
Tumblr 
Bokt 
Blogger 
InsaneJournal 
Bleacher Report 
Gedicht.nu 
The Petulant Poetess 
Fanfiction.net 
WordPress 
facebook 
Twitter 
India Forums
Orkut 
the sites I forgot about... 

Of course, some of these sites I joined to read and see works of others, but sooner or later I always got at least a whisper of a wish to contribute there too. 

All these accounts, all in hopes to find the definite place to start my 'writing career' (as in the depth of me that is what I want: to be an author of some importance) and so far leading no where (though my writing.com account has a 'portfolio' with a certain substance)...should I give up or should I finally make an effort to start?  

'Every Wall is a Door'. Or would it be more fitting to twist it to 'Every Door is a Wall'? 




 If ever I made a post deserving of cross-posting it must be this one.

Dream or dread

There she sat. Like every other day.
Talented, oh yes. And with a view, that too.
And with some history, unlike many others.

Fuel enough, one would say.

There she sat. Yet another day.
With her overflowing head: very busy at nothing.
And so she was tired, as nothing kept her very busy.

Fuel enough?

There she sat. Dreaming through the day.
Blending her assets into a magnificent novel?
Or blending them into true helpfulness?

Fuel enough, after all!

There she sat. And passed the day.
Dreading her own indifference,
of life going by, without her even trying.

Fuelling nothing but a grotesque frame.


(pathetic attempt at self-chastisement; as if it would change any thing)

From the gutter of my feelings...

Feeling sad, sad ,sad. Depression hitting hard.

Silence deafening me and an increasing load wants to impress me unto the soil it seems.

Man what is this and why?

I'm feeling myself so dirty, but the option of taking shower feels like a torture.

Thousand things to do, thousand things that I WANT to do, perhaps it's all too much on my own?

Please let me hide in my bed and sleep the time away end read some pleasant things in case I might wake up for some moments.
Please grant me loneliness, to get healed by the absence of distraction.
Please grant me company to know that I'm alive and celebrate our breathing and eyes and legs.

Please, please, please, this feeling ain't much fun and my days seem like utter failure.

Or do you think I could go for shopping and mingle with the people, while being a creep from the gutter?

Wanna eat!

Copied from the Cambridge Diet forum. As it's good to have this "summary of my eating-history" also for myself


Sigh. Such a long way to go. A year perhaps? And I'm missing food so much...

When I started, I promised myself that once or twice every week I would be allowed to share an evening meal with my family. I needed that, just to get the courage to go ahead.

But after one meal I understood that it doesn't work at all: it's so hard to get back to dieting afterwards and of course it interrupts the ketosis.

So gradually it's sinking in that i must really settle for Cambridge Diet only and at this moment that makes me feel a bit sad and depressed.
After all, I'm a food-addict since I was about 4 years old and food was the thing that kept me going, even when I was very depressive for many years, in the past.

I used to be bulimic in my teens, till mid-twenties. Gradually bulimia converted to binge-eating. Happily I also grew away from the binge and since about 5 years, I "just eat too much and too often"

My weight is so high (179 kilo's/28 stones) that going outside tires me too much. I can only walk a couple of minutes. Shopping is very hard, so my teenagers do the "small" shopping. I only go once a week for the bulk. So most of the time I'm at home and eating breaks the days and keeps me happy.

And now I have to learn to have great days without food. But I guess you all would have similar struggles, so i'm sorry for my lament

I'm actually very curious if some of you also used to suffer from bulimia or binge-eating-disorder? Did you also grow out of it? Or did you get therapy or so?

Once again, sorry for my long post...I guess I should start a diary

Without

Last Sunday morning I woke up and decided there and then that I will start Cambridge diet that very day. No preparations, no copious farewell meal of favourite foods. Just start.

And so it happened and, oh surprise, till today I am true to it. The fifth day.

Yesterday I had lost over five kilo's already, but sadly the scale's battery has given up the ghost, so no way to motivate myself by weighing today.

I think I can allow myself a bit of measured pride, though it is very early days, of course.


But now the other side of it.

Am writing so nice and civilised, not? But oooohhh, I am so frustrated, angry, depressed today. Grinding my teeth. Arms burning with the wish to lash out at something.

Handling the foods for family and not able to take even one bite of it. Can kill the world right now!

So, the counter-attack of my food-addiction has started.

Don't ask about my mood! Don't be nice with me! Don't touch me! DO NOT BOTHER ME!
Man, I just wish to growl and snarl and curse each and everyone!


Or do I actually need to weep?


My friend, my dear friend, who appeased me through the days, has left me.

The oldest mate of my life. Wasn't I three years or so, when we met?

Got to stand on my own feet now. And ought not mourn a friend, who wrapped me in mountainous layers of impossibility.

Wish a poem?

why would I wish to write a poem?
Strongly wish to write a poem!
For poem's sake? "I have written a poem". Sounds interesting! Not?
Or to get a bit of attention and "praise' on WDC? (For what it's worth)
It's hard to define, but I just love it: to write a poem. To fight with myself, to shape it, to omit, to make fluent. It's like a puzzle, yes, but really so much more than that. It's inspiring, it's challenging, it's feeling "essential" - to find the essence of my thoughts, feelings, myself even.

Oh God (Astaghfirullah), how childish, this writing. As much "blah", or rather: much more "blah" than my previous entry!

BUT!!! I JUST WISH TO WRITE A POEM!!!

Circumstances not allowing though: no peace of mind and time!

Blah, blah.

Blah, blah, because I just want to write, the journal type thing.

Blah, blah also, cause it is pretty "yuck" that tomorrow I have an intestinal check-up, so i'm not allowed to eat anything today (except a light breakfast) and tomorrow, till it's done (apptmnt at 10.30), had to take a laxative, which happily didn't create havock (as they suggested).
Such a check-up: so embarassing basically, especially with my "elegant" shape; but such thoughts simply have to be brushed aside. After all, it's the profession of the doc, many people had/have to face the same embarrassment and it's highly necessary (that alone is enough to forget about feelings of shame and unease).

After dr Perry said, that they're expecting that something like Crohn's disease has caused the hole between my bowel and bladder, slowly the feeling grew that it may be true afterall. Am I not having all types of mostly mild but confusing symptoms since at least fifteen years? Plus that even when I was small, I would soon have diarrhoea. I thought I had irritatable bowel after the salmonella attack of years ago, but it may be very well somethinhg more serious, damaging the stuff progressively over the years, till a hole occurred.
Well, we'll see, i hope they'll tell soon!

hmm, am a bit hungry now. Good that i'm "trained", thanks to Ramadan! Nina is cooking, dal, smells nice. I think I should take a cup of tea or some stock, it'll help, Inshallah.

Waiting and watching.

Waiting in the hospital.
In a crowded hall.
People coming and going.
I concluded they were diabetes patients, most of them, at their regular test, receiving medication and a new appointment.
So, they were not very ill. Mostly vital people. Personalities and appearances as diverse as can be.

I was sitting there for over an hour. Probably due to myself being fifteen minutes late.
I can wait very well. Enjoy waitng. Discretely observing people.

Till I was startled by the realization that I was the exception.
I saw people who seemed to go about the business of their daily life, in all their diversity.
And that is something that I can't do. I made myself that extremely heavy that "going about daily life" is impossible. For all to see. See me and you know instantly that i will not be able to cope.

It was hard. And I knew that I no longer wish to be this type of exception.
I can't afford anymore to be unable to do anything.
Can I walk?
Can I cycle?
Can I climb the stairs, stand in a row, wash the windows, go on a trip, ride horses?
Can I accompany my children?
Can I do anything when it is later in the day?
No. No. No.
It hurts, I pant, my heart and head nearly burst, I am overcome by tiredness, my legs have so much trouble carrying me, that I seem glued to the ground.
So I sit. Most of the time. And even sitting is tiring.

And now it must be enough.
I lost weight last Summer and it was helpful. But it was tough too, to abstain.
And then things were not easy and I was tensed and tired, so I started eating again, more than normal even.
So all that I lost is back; in only six months all efforts gone waste.

And there I sat. Among all those people. Many of them way older and fitter than me.
I sat there as a consquence of my weight. Knowing that because of that weight diagnosis and treatment is going to be hard, if not impossible.

What more do I need to convince myself that I am actually already too late to lose weight?

It could only take eight months, if I stick to the diet rigorously, to get such a weight that I can even ride an Arabian horse again. That I can run to the bus again and go shopping for clothes, with my children, easily.

Why so afraid?
Food is the thing that keeps my mood happy, that pulls me through the days.
It is sick to admit it, but its true.

Eight months, to lose an odd hundred kilos, look like a door I can't open, because I have no key.
It looks like I am going to inprison myself. It looks, LOOKS, impossible.
BUT IT IS NOT!
So many people have proven that already.
Are they less tired than me? Are they stronger than me? Do they have better reasons than me?

SHUT UP YOU GIRL!
GO AND DO IT AND DON'T MOAN LIKE A WEAKLING!
I HATE MYSELF SOMETIMES!
AND ALL SHOULD HATE ME, my near ones that is, CAUSE I BURDEN THEM UNJUSTLY AND THEY BY NOW HAVE A RIGHT TO DEMAND SOMETHING FROM ME

Why do i feel like I am making theatre here?

DROWN IN YOUR SHIT YOU STUPID
it will happen soon enough if you don't stop "eating" now!

Running with my head against the wall.

Nearly fifty and still feeling like a teenager with the whole future ahaead of her: my time will come. Yeah, GET REAL.

OK, there I am, with my generally sweet and optimistic temper, perfectly able to pass days in perfect emptiness. Zapping through the hours, a bit of householding, a larger bit of hanging behind the pc, bit of TV, bit of chatting with the children and always focussing on what next to eat, to keep it all bearable.
Wasn't I a strong girl? Wasn't I very active, some twenty years ago?
I have no answers.
All I know is that I still may have many options, IF AND WHEN, I start to act NOW.
Every day I will continue in emptiness, will eat more away of the little time I may have left, will eat more away from my health and the wellbeing of my whole family.

Sometimes I just wish to kick and beat myself till bleeding, hoping that it will help to shake me up.
Yeah. Again.
Am far too lazy and too self-indulgent to change anything ever.
Truth.

Different!

Family: So much changed, exceedingly much I should say, since I last used this Family-entry (June 2008). Nina failed school and was sent off. Danyal had also not done well, they blamed it on him being extremely inpractical, and was doubling his class plus being demoted. This was the final push to make us cross the sea and search residence in England, hoping Nina and Danyal would get a better chance in the UK. And so it happened, though it is very sad that we had to leave Zara behind, as she was starting her study at University college Utrecht.
Now, one-and-a-half year later, we have moved to our second home in London, Chichi is living with papa and mama, Nina is on her second school here and finally doing great. With the prospect of being able to join any university in the Summer of 2011, only one year later than she could have, if she had done VWO in Holland (while, had we stayed on in Holland, if she ever wanted to reach university level, it would not have been before 2013 or 2014). Similar situation with Danyal: he is doing well here, in his own age-group and with all chances to reach university without having lost even one year. Compared to Holland, where university seemed out of his reach or with a loss of three full years only, plus being looked upon as being a handicapped child, while in England school thinks he is perfectly normal and having a great attitude, next to being gifted.
We could never have expected so much improvement in their school-careers.
But of course there is also a price to pay: financially we are still doing very bad and Zara, papa and mama and dado and dada are quite disturbed by our absence. Plus to move twice is very tiring and life in general becomes a bit unsettled, next to exciting, I must add, in a new country.


Ahmadiyya: Two great UK-Jalsa's, two Ramadans and four Eids have past since my last entry. Prosecution of Ahmadi's in Pakistan has intensified and Kasmiri Parliament (Pakistani side of Kashmir) passed a law in which it becomes legal to murder Ahmadi's...

House: House? Our house now is a fourth-flour maisonette-flat, with great views on large parts of London. It's a nice building, lovely neighbours, clean and green, but with lots of traffic. Thanks to double-glazing it doesn't bother much though and is actually rather nice to look upon. In the meantime we lived 11 months in a terraced house in Roehampton, also a nice place, but sadly financially that was no longer possible. Was our view in Roehampton limited to twenty meters direct in front and behind the house, but with our own gardens, here in Southfields we can see many, many square miles of London, yet with only a small balcony (filled with the cage of Minka and Luigi, so not even a chair we can put on it). In Roehampton we had a furnitured house, so when we came to Southfields we had to fill this empty house (only the floors and walls plus kitchen were done) and had to keep it cheap and simple at Ikea and Argos (beds, tables, chairs, cupboards, sofa). It's nice to have our own stuff again, though the sofa's in Roehampton were much better: six seats, leather and comfy. Now we only have a two-seater Klippan, not very comfy, and a nice chair, which is not suitable for elder or very heavy people.
In Roehampton, Sobia and Maria lived with us for about six months. It was nice, but ended in a sort of drama, which can't be mentioned here, in order to protect Sobia's privacy.

Computer: Computer? I'm using Ubuntu Karmic Koala, back with Gnome desktop. Danyal has a dual-boot Vista/Ubuntu and Jameel/Nina's PC is out of order as Nina switched off power while Win XP was updating. It doesn't want to start, it will be quite some effort to repair it, without letting the old files (Jameels and Nina's poems!!!) get lost. How stupid we were to not have any backups!
Internet we get through Sky broadband, which is nice with hardly any hickups, but the speed varies a lot and wireless upstairs is very limited. I'm not much on WDC nowadays, don't write much at all. Am mainly reading on Bokt and "Pien en Kobus" and Nu.nl plus Linux sites and a lot of zapping. It remains time-consuming, but not very productive. Am still in contact with Sarah through gmail and occasionally with Shish. Sadly with Nusrat contacts are disturbed, though I still hope to make it work again.

Outside: Outside it is Autumn now, or rather nearly Winter. It's getting cold, but most days are very light and bright here in London, exchanged with days of heavy downpour.

Foxes, squirrels and the same green parakeets which were also flying in Amstelveen are part of wild-life here. Opposite our house, just a few meters from our windows, lives a beautiful couple of squirrels. On the other side of the house are many more, but not so close. I'm starting to uncover the squirrels routine and trying to recognize them.

Foxes were very prominent in Roehampton, destroying our garbage bags and daily patrolling our garden. We had to protect Minka and Luigi with a lot of extra fences.

Sport: Holland, England qualified for WK 2010 in South Africa. Olympic games of Beijing are past, with Usuain Bolt becoming the undeniable champion of the games, pulverising the world records on sprint. Holland did well as usual, gold for dressage team and Anky with Salinero.
London is preparing for the games of 2012, and as we live only a few miles from Wimbledon tenniscourts and can see Wembley Stadium from our bedroom, we can see the progress and feel the excitement slowly growing :-). Winter Olympics are nar, sadly Marianne Timmer recently broke her heel-bones, so her participation is in doubt. Dutch Lady skating is dramatically bad this year, apart from Timmer. Not much medal hope there, but who knows. Our main hope seems to be Sven Kramer and a team-medal. We'll see though.
Ajax saw Marco van Basten resign as trainer after only one not very succesful season. Now Jol is trainer and they are doing just fine so far (second in competition, but not very convincing and still playing in UEFA cup).
What else? Kimi out of F1 for 21010 season, he didn't get a seat of his choice as his financial demands were too high. He is going for rallying instead, with Citroen Junior team. Massa had a near fatal accident, when a spring of a preceding car torpeded his helmet. He will be back in 2010. Ferrari bought off Kimi's contract and hired Alonso, to satisfy their Spanish sponsor, Santander. Button became the driver champion for the Brawn team (which is the successor of Honda) and Brawn also won the constructor-title. Vettel was second, before "old man" Barrichello, who was also driving for Brawn. Brawn next season will be Brawn-Mercedes. Both Button and Barrichello have a new team for 2010. (McLaren and Williams). McLaren/Lewis and ferrari/Kimi had poor cars last season, so they ended up only fith and six with the teams being third and fourth. 2009 was the last season for BMW and Toyota, though Sauber has managed to find a buyer, so he will continue. 2010 will see three new teams in F1 and 26 cars in all. There is a rumour that Schumacher will return with Brawn-Mercedes, but nothing is sure. Renault has still not decided about the future of their F1 team, so they might be out as well, following this years scandal about Piquet Jr, instigated by team-boss Briatore, deliberately heavily crashing in Singapore 2008, handing a win to team-mate Alonso by doing so.

World: Same crap as always. But a bit less stressy to have Obama instead of Bush as head of US. Living in London and not a regular with any serious newspaper or news show yet (oh shame!!!) the world is a bit forlorn on me at the moment. But do I miss it much?

It's hard to become involved with English matters and leave Dutch behind. I'm still more aware of that what happens in Holland than in UK.

Balkenende and Blair missed out on becoming EU president, instead a capable but obscure Belgian is now wearing Europes crown.

I'm still as leftist as I always was, coupled with "conservative" views on family and morals. Yep.

Magnolia

Magnolia's coloured my life for many years.

I noted them for the first time, when I had to ride my bike Summer and Winter on my daily travels to my horse. It was 1984.

Her stable was on a farm, 5 miles from my home. In the Winter it was not always easy, also because the time that I was busy with my mare was as cold or wet as the cycle-trip. The way back home, half-frozen or drenched in rain, could feel endless.

February often used to be the coldest month of the year and the cycling was a bit of a challenge. But on my way to the stable, I would pass several Magnolia's, trees and shrubs, decorating front-gardens. In February the flower buds of the Magnolia become prominently visible, fore-telling Spring with clear signs.

The Magnolia's were the highlights of my trips, promising that soon the cold and dark days would be over.  

And then one day, my horse had since long died and I was a mom of three children by now, we found a new and nice house in the Magnolialaan...the Magnolia Avenue. Not only did I love the name of the street, but the whole street had been decorated with numerous Magnolia's by the local council. Pink flowered shrubs and trees with an abundance of smaller white flowers.

Three of these trees stood only a few meters away from our windows. In Spring our daughters bedroom on the first floor was floating amidst a sea of divine white flowers. And the wonderful fresh and sweet Magnolia fragrance would perfume our house and street. 

Living in that street in Spring was an enchanting privilege, for a few weeks it was the most beautiful street of the world. And during ten years we could be part of it. Last Autumn we moved. From Holland to England.

We live in a green part of London, most houses have a garden. Here too I have seen Magnolia's, but only a few. It feels like the Magnolia is no longer part of my life.

Where twenty-five years ago Magnolia announced Spring, there now its absence signifies the closure of a period: the youth of my children.

It makes me happy to live in London, where we made a new start. If I miss my eldest daughter, my parents and other family-members and friends, yet I don't miss my old house and city. But the disappearing of the Magnolia's is something I still can't comprehend. They were part of me and my whole being.

Perhaps I should plant a small Magnolia in our garden. And know when it will soon be Spring.

Template

Family Today is Nina's very last chance to "save" this school year. Doesn't look very hopeful though. And what then? She'll have to leave school without diploma and we will have to find other ways for her to succeed.

House If the house were a computer, today I would have achieved a lot...

Outside Rain, wind , nevertheless Summer is clearly waiting around the corner

Sport Holland in the quarter finals of the European Championships (but that's old news now). The surprise champions of four years ago, Greece, ended last of all. I'm feeling sad for them.
I'm so busy with my new computer that I'm simply forgetting Royal Ascot (since years one of the Highlights of all sporting events for me)

World The parliament of Sweden accepted a law that allows listening in on phone- and email-conversations without prior permission of a judge! Yep, Big Brother etc.

This morning I found the blog of a fellow Linux-chix and saw her use a template like I've used above. What a good idea. It should give hand and feet to my wish to start blogging more seriously. (Though their are still some issues in trying to make it work as I want)

Chichi

Chichi seems to prefer strange positions...more to follow, such as her habitual stay-lay.

Sailing away from England

Blogging from my phone...

Already I love my phone very much, with it's notes, internet, gmail and what not more. But just now I discovered it's even possible to blog from my phone and of course I have to try that. Now it will even more be my diary and assistant :-)

Blogs and blogs

Should I use this blog more often? I mean, don't I need a more private and hence "safer" place than WDC for a blog?
How much I love WDC, but there are so many strings attached, at least in my mind. It has become more of a social network, with all its obligations, than a writing place for me. Now, with my brain and heart all puzzled and sort of overloaded, I just don't have the strength to go to WDC and maintain all my contacts and groups, answer mails, read blogs...it's too much at this time, I'm not enjoying it at all.
But there are still things I want off my mind and there are still things, budding poems, to experiment with and not yet put in my portfolio at WDC (of course, more than enough possibilities for experimenting at WDC, but I don't feel happy and free to go there now). As if I feel stalked at writing.com.

So, ok, enough reasons to continue this blog....but what a horrible layout this page has....could it be changed!

Magnolia's, whatever...

Searching for my own "Whatever", which I failed to find, opening a new blog, in the hope to be able to find it from the inside.
Well, "Whatever" was not in daily use, to say the least, so perhaps "Magnolia"will do better in the end....